Fear has been my constant companion since the cradle. You see, I am one of those “Harlow Monkey” babies. I have a mother who is averse to touch. No hugs. No cuddles. No kisses. Not ever. Both my brother and I have no recollection of being spontaneously caressed by our mom. Don’t get me wrong. She is a great mom in almost every way–and I love her dearly. She simply can’t–and doesn’t– touch us.
In the early 1960s Life magazine published pictures and findings of Dr. Harry Harlow’s famous monkey studies on maternal/infant attachment. Baby monkeys were reared with either a cloth mother or a wire mother, and their behavior observed. I read the article when I was 12 and intuitively identified with the baby monkeys reared with wire mothers.. Those monkeys grew up frightened of the world, unable to feel safe in the presence of others. In extreme cases they were never able to assimilate into the monkey community. As it turns out, soft warm touch from our moment of birth brings survival. Its absence may bring death. Fast forward to 2016 and we find vast and complex medical and psychological literature having to do with human attachments and their implications for health and wellness. Couples’ counselors now relate relationship difficulties to whether or not we were securely or insecurely attached as children. The endocrine nature of stress responses (adrenal cortisol, adrenaline) is programmed early in our childhood by our attachments. Long term health outcomes and longevity have been found to be negatively affected by poor attachment relationships.
It turns out early attachment is hard-wired into parts of our brain that are automatic and outside our higher consciousness. This means that our body’s responses to attachment relationships aren’t thought out. They aren’t necessarily rational. We can’t “talk ourselves out of” them. Early attachment is our ticket to biological survival. Depending upon how we’ve attached as youngsters, survival is either a comfortable given or a series of terrifying events. Secure attachment brings a sense of safety that is beyond (or below) words. Calm. Peace. Relaxed muscles and slowed heart beat. The absence of this security brings fear. Hypervigilance. Tight muscles and pounding pulse. Our bodies become the orchestra that plays our attachment programming.
Fear is that great symphony we play when we are fighting for survival. Whether or not the threat is real or automatically programmed doesn’t matter. Our bodies are a one trick pony. Fear is fear. As an Endocrinologist, I’m good at defining the physiology of fear: cortisol, epinephrine (adrenaline), shifted immune response, impaired memory, insulin resistance, high blood pressure, increased stomach acid–to name a few. The bottom line is: Fear changes our body’s function as well as altering our mind and constricting our spiritual awareness. Much of the time, fear comes from a very real threat like illness or loss. How well we withstand the changes that fear causes and return to our normal state of wholeness (i.e. heal) is greatly influenced by our attachment programming. Everyone experiences fear and its bodily manifestations. The question is, how do we deal with it.
Most of us have a mix of secure and insecure attachment patterns. I for, one, had a dad who was nurturing and calm. My breath relaxes and my heart opens the instant I remember his arm encircling my shoulders in a soft hug. It’s a tactile memory. I truly feel the pressure of his touch. My shoulders drop their tension when I remember my hand in his. Dad was my first and most important secure attachment figure. Stemming from my wire-monkey-mom, I carry a below-the-surface terror, easily automatically roused by new and strange events or real and present dangers. Yet I also know safety. For me, being wholly in the presence of safe security is hard to do. I have been imbued with both reactions: terror and security. Fear is my nemesis–keeping me from the wholeness I feel when more securely attached to this world. When I feel safe I am in touch with myself. I have not lost myself. I am present. I am aware of all that is around me. I see others. I feel the Universe. I am not reduced to a self-centered state of raw survival.
A sure fire way of being terrified is to feel totally alone. We can best see ourselves as a member of the human race (hence, not alone) if we feel safe. Somewhat circular, really. It seems like a catch-22. Only if I feel attached and safe can I feel those around me, yet my fears enclose me in isolation, keeping me from feeling safe. What to do?
There are no absolute answers. But here are a few things I’ve discovered that help:
Counter the effects of fear with exercise. Exercise trains our cardiovascular system to be less hyper-responsive to epinephrine and it alters the brain to heighten mood.
Counter the effects of fear by adjusting food and drink. Limit caffeine and other stimulants. Limit alcohol, which is a depressant when it’s on board and has a rebound agitation effect when it wears off. Avoid a diet of exclusively concentrated sugars and easily digested starchy foods. Protein, carbo , fat balance is important to keep the body from over-secreting insulin. Our bodies counterbalance excessive insulin with epinephrine–hence the potential agitation that comes from eating lots of quickly digested sugars and carb foods.
Counter the effects of fear by focus on slow rhythmic breathing and muscle relaxation. This takes 5-10 minutes of quietly sitting in an uninterrupted fashion. Concentrate only on breath and soft muscles. This brings about what neuroscientists call the relaxation response. It is a physical state that promotes lower pulse and blood pressure, slower breathing, less epinephrine output.
Counter the effects of fear by using mindfulness. Mindfulness is staying only in the present moment. Mindfulness meditation can be done actively (mindfulness walking or dancing) or passively (mindfulness focus on breath or a mantra). There are many recent research findings in neuroscience of the power of mindfulness to affect immune function, mood, disease activity.
Counter the effects of fear with social connection. Make a lunch date with a friend. Take a yoga class. Do something nice for someone you love. The list goes on and on–whether you’re an introvert like me or a gregarious extrovert, there are many ways to make connection with other souls.
Counter the effects of fear through the touch of “pet moments”. For those of us who are animal lovers there’s nothing like the silky touch of a cat friend or the warmth of a doggie cuddle. The tactile connection goes deep into our brain, below the cortex and into the emotional centers that harbor early attachment response.
No one lives without fear. We need fear to help us weather storms and survive. But we also need to have tools to keep it in its place–so that we don’t crash on the rocks.